Feelings, Guys, and Venting

Why is it that the guys you like never seem to even know you like them?!

Anybody else have that problem? Yep..nope? Just me.

It could be…now I’m just spit balling here…but it could be due to the fact that my flirting is a cross between (1) look like I could care less about you (avoid eye contact at all cost so that he does not suspect that I may be developing into him) and (2) act like I want to be best buds..yeah I said buds, like best friends, like I’m one of the guys.

So yeah..I guess that could give a guy a mixed message…or more like no message at all. What can I say…I guess I’m just stealth? I always did want to be a secret agent, at least I got the secret part down.

I just don’t understand. When was it that I was supposed to learn to flirt? Was there a class for it that I missed out on or slept through? It’s just never came naturally..and honestly I just want to be myself in front of guys. I don’t want to put on a show for him. I want him to know me for me right off the bat and like me for me and not for someone I’m trying to be.

Too bad I cannot even act like me when I’m around a guy.

The worst part of this whole thing? I know he already has a girlfriend so it’s not like I would have a chance even if I did know how to flirt. Pathetic right? But you know what? It just felt good to know that I can like someone again. I don’t think I’ve had a crush on someone for about 5 years…since my eating disorder started. Once that started all my feelings kind of went numb. The most prominent feeling I had was sadness. Not too long ago I was laughing…you know that good gut-wrenching laughing and I realized that I hadn’t laughed like that in years…true laughter. I missed that. I missed a lot of things during those 5 years.

But anyways…I haven’t like someone in a long time and that nervous, butterfly, jittery feeling? Yeah…it just felt good. I just wish I even had a chance with the person who brought that feeling back for me..but it’s just good to know that I can feel that way still.

So yeah…I don’t really know what this post was about. Kind of just a way to vent my feelings. Whoops 🙂

 

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