Feelings, Guys, and Venting

Why is it that the guys you like never seem to even know you like them?!

Anybody else have that problem? Yep..nope? Just me.

It could be…now I’m just spit balling here…but it could be due to the fact that my flirting is a cross between (1) look like I could care less about you (avoid eye contact at all cost so that he does not suspect that I may be developing into him) and (2) act like I want to be best buds..yeah I said buds, like best friends, like I’m one of the guys.

So yeah..I guess that could give a guy a mixed message…or more like no message at all. What can I say…I guess I’m just stealth? I always did want to be a secret agent, at least I got the secret part down.

I just don’t understand. When was it that I was supposed to learn to flirt? Was there a class for it that I missed out on or slept through? It’s just never came naturally..and honestly I just want to be myself in front of guys. I don’t want to put on a show for him. I want him to know me for me right off the bat and like me for me and not for someone I’m trying to be.

Too bad I cannot even act like me when I’m around a guy.

The worst part of this whole thing? I know he already has a girlfriend so it’s not like I would have a chance even if I did know how to flirt. Pathetic right? But you know what? It just felt good to know that I can like someone again. I don’t think I’ve had a crush on someone for about 5 years…since my eating disorder started. Once that started all my feelings kind of went numb. The most prominent feeling I had was sadness. Not too long ago I was laughing…you know that good gut-wrenching laughing and I realized that I hadn’t laughed like that in years…true laughter. I missed that. I missed a lot of things during those 5 years.

But anyways…I haven’t like someone in a long time and that nervous, butterfly, jittery feeling? Yeah…it just felt good. I just wish I even had a chance with the person who brought that feeling back for me..but it’s just good to know that I can feel that way still.

So yeah…I don’t really know what this post was about. Kind of just a way to vent my feelings. Whoops 🙂

 

Binge Eating

I binge ate today. Why? That is what I am going to find out. I do it at least twice a week and every time I promise myself that it will be the last. But is it? No. Do I feel better once I’ve done it? No. I feel like crap. I don’t enjoy what I eat and it is a waste of perfectly good food and calories that I did not want or need in the first place.

So for the next couple of days/weeks/months, every time I feel like binge-eating I am going to ask myself 3 questions: Why do I feel the need to binge-eat? What are my long-term goals? What are my short-term goals? Will it make me feel better? Do I need more food (just not THAT much food)? What is a better alternative to satisfy my craving? Each time I feel the urge, I am going to physically write down and answer these questions down. Maybe that will help me control my urge and quit. I am determined and once I put my mind to something, I know I can do it!

Okay..so I realize that is a little more than 3 questions. BUT I feel that each one is necessary in order to kick this. I am tired of feeling like crap after. I am tired of regretting it. I want to live my life and enjoy it, not rush through it. Most importantly I just want to feel healthy and this does not make me feel that. It does not make me feel good and I know this, yet I continue to do it. I need to buckle down and figure out the reason. Do I not feel good enough? Am I stressed? Is there something else I could do instead? Do I actually need it?

I don’t know. But one thing is for sure. Detective Mandy is on the case. This ENDS tonight. No more. I am tired of feeling unworthy. I am tired of feeling crappy and bloated. I’m just tired of it.

Sorry for this randomness…but then again if you’re reading this…you kind of knew what you were getting into what with the name of my blog and all…. 🙂

Thanks and goodnight!

Long Time, No Chat

Hey guys! Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. I am sorry I abandoned you guys (so maybe like 1 person?…or just me). I’ve been extremely busy, just trying to get my life together.

I graduated from my Master’s program over the summer and moved back home. For the summer..since teachers are off during the summer, I got a job at a Day Summer Camp. I loved hanging with the kiddos and really enjoyed that job! However, Fall started looming near and it was time for me to get serious and find a “grown-up,” preferably one that related to the money I spent trying to get my Masters in Teaching.

I am proud to say that I did indeed get a job related to my schooling! I am now officially an employee of a county and teach fourth grade in an elementary school. I teach math/science/social studies/health and then the students switch classes for reading/writing…so I essentially teach the same subjects/things twice throughout the day.

I love my kids but man does teaching require so much! I feel like teaching the students and writing lessons plans are second to collecting data and making sure I am doing everything “correctly” or how the county wants it. Teaching is so much  more than actually teaching and I have to worry about standards, tests, preparation, and SO SO SO MUCH data. I feel like school is more about the data and “seeing” progress than it is about the students and that is not why I fell in love with school or wanted to become a teacher. I just wish we could go back to the way it was when I was in school…when teachers could actually focus on teaching and had creativity and flexibility in their lessons and what they taught. Nowadays, I just feel like I am pushing my students to hard and that I have no extra days..always have to stay with the curriculum guide, cannot stray from the lesson plans. It’s just so confining.

To top it all off, as it is my first year…I get observed CONSTANTLY. It’s like they are trying to get me to quit. If it weren’t for my students and my love for working with children…I would seriously consider…I donno. I just wish there was something I could do to help make school more about the students and less about “making progress” or “pushing the students.” There is so much more going on in children’s lives that we could be working on and I don’t think that all my time is wisely spent just pushing the curriculum. School used to be more than textbooks and tests. It used to be about the individual students and just helping shape them into the person they will eventually become.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my job…I just wish there were things I could do to make it better.

Anyways…On to the Fitness and Food Front

Don’t worry! I didn’t forget about this. I now wake up EXTREMELY early to exercise (as I find it very important for my sanity) and I just yesterday ran in a Turkey Trot (sorry no pictures). I will get better with this and provide you with pictures on my next update. On the food front things are good…I could definitely still improve and need to try to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to try to really recover from my previous eating disorder…but on the whole I’m not too bad. I haven’t lost any weight, nor do I plan too and I am at a comfortable and good for my body height/type weight.

I am genuinely happy with my life right now and am really enjoying/savoring the little things.

Sorry about the lack of pictures in this post. As I get back into this, I will get better! I promise! I hope you guys had an amazing Thanksgiving and ate lots of delicious food! I know I sure did!!

This morning, instead of shopping I hit up the gym for a nice cardio/lifting session. Felt so good to sweat it off, especially after all the indulgent food yesterday…not that that is the reason I went. I loved starting Black Friday off like this instead of early bird shopping. No money was spent and I felt great afterwards 🙂

Well talk to you next time!!! Glad to be back 🙂 I plan to post twice or three times a week…not everyday as I am too busy for that, but I’d like to make this a more regular thing! Here’s to hoping!! Wish me good luck! Haha.

Skipped Spring, Right to Summer

Hey guys! Just checking in briefly before I really start my day. How was your day yesterday? It was gorgeous over here! However…I can’t help but feel that we’ve have skipped Spring and gone right to Summer. Holy guacamole can you say humidity?!  Anyways, I started the day off with a nice and sweaty bootcamp class. Again, working muscles that I did not even know existed!! Felt so good!

 

I then had one of these delicious NoGii bars to re-fuel after my workout. Peanut Butter and Chocolate 🙂 Could there be a better flavor combination? It was so good and only 230 calories with 20g of protein!! Definitely hit the spot.

So today I had a bodypump class on the schedule for bright and early 5:15 am!!…which I absolutely love! Bodypump is one of my favorite class exercises. However, I drove all the way to the gym only to realize I really wasn’t feeling it. I know it was a waste of gas but I could tell my mind and body was just not in it today, at least not for bodypump. I’ve been doing a lot of weight training through body-weight and other means lately and I guess I just wasn’t in a lifting mood. My muscles are still tight and sore, so I decided to listen to my body and hit it home. My 4 am wake-up call wasn’t wasted though! I came home and worked on finishing up so work for my master’s program so I still feel somewhat accomplished. I plan to go on a nice 6-7 run later today. I’ve been slacking on my cardio and I’m really feeling like a good run today.

Other than running, I have a book meeting for my masters program (on a book I did not even crack the cover of..oops, don’t be like me!). Luckily, it’s just with some other of my interns who also didn’t really feel like reading the book either and so we’ll probably just end up chilling at Panera’s complaining about the program 🙂

After that I have a meeting with my professor to talk about my LAST assignment for my masters program, my Master’s Research Paper!! It’s the last and ONLY thing I have left! So excited to finish that! Not really excited about the meeting…

I’ll check in with you either later today or tomorrow about how everything turns out. I KNOW you’re dying to KNOW! Have a great day!

The Internship has Ended

Hey guys! So I know I’ve been MIA with the occasional random post here or there…but hey, it’s called random ramblings for a reason. Clearly not only are my posts random but so is when I post! Always trying to keep you on your toes!! Haha.

Anyways, if you are just tuning in, I mentioned briefly that I’m a grad student and was working on getting my Masters in Teaching. Well it’s official, my internship (I worked at a school teaching full-time with a mentor teacher) ended on Friday. I woke up this Monday wondering what I am going to do with my life! I miss my kids like crazy and I came to love them to death. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to live not seeing my students faces each and every day (don’t worry…my mentor teacher, their real teacher, is still with them so they will continue learning throughout the rest of the school year). I’m so sad to be leaving them. Don’t get me wrong though, just because my internship ended does not mean I have my Masters yet. I still have classes and work to finish up before I fully graduate and can become a teacher in June. I’m excited and extremely nervous at the same time!! Eeeekkkkk.

That is if I can even get a job. I’ve applied to many counties..but as you may or may not know…there’s been a bit of a hiring freeze where I want to teach. So yeahh…plus a lot of counties don’t even start looking at new people/transfers until late May early June…so I have a long time to wait before I may hear any job offers or opportunities. It’s extremely stressful. However, right now I’m just going to focus on graduating and getting my Masters. Then I’ll worry about getting a job. I WILL FIND ONE.

Anyways..enough of this talk. It’s stressing me out and the whole point of writing a blog is to de-stress. Therefore I shall tell you about my oh-so-glamorous first day off! It started off bright and early with a delicious protein pancake (1 cup egg whites, cinnamon to taste, 1/4 cup of steel cut oats…I know what you’re thinking, steel cut? But yes! They make the pancake extremely dense and delicious and give it a real nutty taste). Also…note that I use the term “pancake” loosely. It does not at all taste like a pancake…I guess it would be more like an omelet…but protein omelet does not sound as cool and it really does look like pancake.

After breakfast I headed to the gym to do some easy foam-rolling as well as an awesome total body conditioning workout that involved lots of medicine ball throwing and hip thrusters/rollie pollies with an exercise ball. Let’s just say that workout worked out muscles I didn’t even know I had (or more accurately…clearly DO NOT have). I will most definitely be returning 🙂

After that I came home and had a delicious strawberry fig bar to tide me over until lunch which was a delicious apple butter and almond butter sandwich on Ezekiel Flax Sprouted Whole Grain Bread with a side of apples and carrots 🙂 So delicious. Somewhere during that time I also did some homework for school..but that’s not nearly as interesting to talk about.

Anyway..that pretty much catches you up on my day. Sorry for the lack of photos btw. I will do better next time, I just hadn’t planned on posting any time soon and so did not prepare myself. Have a great Monday!!!

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Okay, so yeah, I know I’ve kind of abandoned you guys on the random ramblings of Mandy..but I’m sorry. Graduate school has just got me so busy and teaching the little students really wears you out at the end of the day. But I have to tell you guys, my 2nd graders are the MOST ADORABLE BEINGS ON THE PLANET! And that’s coming from a totally objective view here 🙂

Left: Me now at 130 lbs. Top right: Me Summer of 2010…180 lbs? Bottom Right: Me Right Before the Worse…110 lbs? Sorry I don’t have any of me at under 90 lbs…wasn’t really feeling in the picture taking mood, as I felt completely and utterly creepy looking.

Haha okay, but seriousness here. This week really hits home with me as its NEDA Week and I know I struggle with an eating disorder. I say “struggle” because although I am at a healthy place now and have come to peace (for the most part…let’s face it I will always be trying to come to peace) with my body, I will always still be struggling with my eating disorder and it will forever be a part of my life. Which I have come to be okay with. I know that in my darkest moments all I wished for was to read a story about someone just like me who was able to overcome this on their own (without having to go in-patient). I craved for that hope that it was possible to overcome and that I would one day be able to live my life again to it’s fullest. It’s all I ever wanted and it’s what I couldn’t get. So, for those of you who want to hear of someone who was able to fight this disorder and live to tell the tale…here it is. I just really wanted to tell tell someone my story during this week…even if it is to the non-people who read my blog lol. Perhaps one day, someone who needs it will stumble upon here and find inspiration to keep going, to keep fighting. If just one person finds this helpful, I’ll deem this a success. Anyways….here’s my story.

My name is Mandy and I am 23 years old. I’m probably in the minority, but college was the worst time of my life for it was when I developed my eating disorder. Although I was overweight (180 lbs on a good day at 5’6″), that is not the main reason it developed. I will admit that I was never very satisfied of my body and always a little embarrassed, however I was a very active and sporty girl. When I was young I played every sport I could and although I may have been overweight, I was muscular and strong.

Then Freshman year of college came. I joined the crew team and gained a bunch of friends. Originally, crew started off as a good thing for me. It got me out and active and put me in the best shape I’ve ever been…I ran my first ever 5 miles. However, as the year went on, I got more and more focused on exercising. Come lent, I gave up ice cream and eventually candy and sugar in general. It started off as just a simple competition with myself…how long could I last…and turned into what would be a 4 year streak of no sugary foods and continued cutting of “bad” foods.

Although it essentially started freshman year, by the end of freshman year I was still okay. During the summer I got a little worse and a little weirder with what foods I would eat. I started exercising a lot (not even taking breaks for vacation) and refused to eat out.

At the start of Sophomore year it hadn’t gotten worse, but it hadn’t gotten better either. I was still obsessed with eating “healthy” and exercising. Yet I still wasn’t at a bad weight and looked pretty healthy. I didn’t start to completely crack until I lost all control of my life when our dorms got mold and I had to move onto a small, tiny cruise-ship for the rest of the semester.

Yes, my eating disorder due to a lack of control. I never felt worthy of anyone and always felt like I had to keep proving myself to my friends in order for them to stay friends with me. I never felt completely comfortable with myself and therefore never felt completely comfortable in my friend group. I always felt inadequate. I felt like I had no control over whether or not my friends liked me.

Throughout sophomore year and junior year I continued to lose weight until I was 5’6″ and less than 90 lbs. At that point my family had gotten involved and I was seeing a nutritionist, a therapist, and a anorexia nervosa doctor. At the same time, I continued to go to college 2 hours away and miraculously maintained my 4.0 GPA.

It wasn’t until 2 weeks before Senior year, when my doctor threatened that I would go inpatient and not be able to go to school, that I finally started listening to everyone. I gained about 20 pounds in those last 3 weeks before school and started seeing more clearly. I had been living in a cloud of deception and lies (told to myself by myself) for the past 2 years. I have since gained over 40 pounds (making myself a good weight of 130 lbs). I continue to exercise, but I do it now because it makes me feel good and helps me relieve stress, not to lose calories. I still have issues with food and obstacles to overcome but I am in a much healthier place than I was before. I have finally learned to love myself and accept myself and see that food is not the enemy. What started 5 years ago has been the worst-best experience of my life. It has gotten me to a point where I can finally be at peace with myself (although I still struggle some days), but it came with a terrible price.

My eating disorder put stress on my family and lost me my college years. I would not wish this on anyone, but in a way I’m glad it happened to me. I think it has made me stronger both mentally and physically and I’m not sure I wold ever have been able to come a place of peace without it. I needed to lose myself to learn that I actually did love myself the way I was.

So yeah…that’s my story. My big take aways?

• The hardest thing for me to learn was that food is not the enemy, it is my friend. I need food to survive, and if my body needs more food than other peoples, than that is something I need to accept. Without food it wouldn’t matter how lean I was because eventually there would be no me. You need to do what is right for your body and your body only. You can’t compare yourself to anyone else because you are not like anyone else. As long as you are eating healthy, less processed food and your body is telling you you need more, do it.
• Just remember that you bring something to the world, and that without you in the world, the world would be incomplete. No one can fill your shoes better than you, so be the best you you can be. Yes, I realize this sounds really corny haha.

So yep. There is definitely a LOT more to my story than that and if you have questions or need clarifications please feel free to comment. I am honestly pretty open about this and willing to talk about it as I hope that it will help others.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Hey guys! I’m just taking time time off to be with my family. Don’t worry, you’ll get to know all about my exciting life when December hits! As for now, I just wanted to wish you who celebrate it Happy Turkey Day…well let’s be serious, we should all celebrate Turkey Day…if only to just eat Turkey. I guess I meant Happy Thanksgiving! And for those of you who don’t well, just have a great day and enjoy the time off from work or school…if you are lucky enough to have it. Although I know some people who work at stores are not…how great. The day we are supposed to be thankful for everything we have…that same NIGHT  we go off and buy things. That’s America for you! Anyways. Enjoy the time with your family and please eat lots of food today both sweet and savory! If not to celebrate, then to just have a reason to EAT!

I will leave you with this great buzzfeed article. Perhaps it will provide you with something to talk about with your family whilst you are at the dinner table 🙂

P.S. This cartoon totally sums up my sentiments about all the Christmas palooza that is already happening…seriously though haha!

Sunday is NOT Funday

Hey guys! Excuse the title of my post. It just got me thinking…why are all the days that rhyme with Funday (aka Sunday and Monday) not actually fun days? Don’t you think they should be? It’s annoying. I mean Sunday could ALMOST be fun if you didn’t have the next week looming ahead of you….

Anyways, sorry I’ve been MIA for the past 2 days. I know…you were SOOO worried! I’m sure you were bouncing out of the edge of your seats to know what I’ve been up to. Well, hate to disappoint, but unfortunately I don’t have much to report.

On the bright side, I survived my MRP Poster Defense on Friday. WOOHOOO! That also means I am done with classes for awhile and will be entering back into the classroom with my 2nd graders on December 1st. It also means that I have a whole week off! YAY! Unfortunately, my week off will consist of working on my MRP and making it ready to be turned in by December 5th as well as working on my ePort. So not really all that relaxing, but still better than nothing.

Let’s see. What did you miss. Well, on Friday I basically just sat around dreading the poster session. Then went to that and survived it. We concluded it with champagne and a delicious chocolate chip bundt cake.

Oops. Ate it all before I remember to snap a picture. Guess you’ll just have to trust me on how delicious and amazing it was.

After that I joined some of my MAT cohort for dinner at Red Robin. Goodness I love their food. I decided to go with a grilled chicken burger and a side of fruit as I had already indulged in my fair share of bundt cake and other goodies throughout the day. Still very good.

Chopped and Second Helpings

Saturday was mostly a recovery day for me. I hung out, binged watch TV and read this book (Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty..there is 5 in the series…guess which one this is!! Haha). I’ve already read the rest of this series. It’s pretty interesting. I’d recommend them if you’re in the mood for some mind numbing reading that doesn’t take too much thinking.

I did FINALLY end up getting off my butt and going for a workout at around 5 o’clock. I basically did this workout with a few modifications. Very sweaty.

Today I am going to see Mockingjay Part 1with my friend in a few and then maybe out for dinner. Can’t wait! I’ll fill you in on the details later and let you know if it’s worth watching. I’ve heard mixed reviews so I’m not sure what I’m in for. Hope you guys are having a great weekend! Enjoy the last day of it 🙂

And the Birthday Continues….

IT’S THURSDAY!! My favorite day of the week!! We have the WHOLE weekend ahead of us. AND AND AND MOCKINGJAY COMES OUT TONIGHT/TOMORROW MORNING!!! WAHHHHHHHHHH. Too bad I am stuck at home doing homework and will not be able to see it. This weekend for sure though!! Either way I’m psyched that it is Thursday and that next week is THANKSGIVING/STUFF-YOURSELF-UNTIL-YOU-ALMOST-BUT-NOT-REALLY-PUKE!! Alright, I’m done with the caps-lock. It’s over.

Anyways…the title of my post. Although yesterday was my official birthday, today is the day when my actual gift/cards came! So it felt like my birthday was the span of two days! Awesome! Check out this awesome card I got from my friend. She even made the envelope because she couldn’t find one that fit the card she made. YES. MADE. As in painted that picture. So cool! I’m so lucky to have her as a friend. She has been with me through everything and I could not ask for better!

Now, on to my second present, the one of which I spoke of in this post. The Jawbone UP24! It came! I’m excited to try it out. Right now I am charging it and I just synced it so I’ll give you an update once I actually get the chance to use it! Cannot wait! Hopefully it was worth it….you know how I feel about gifts I thought I would like but end up not liking as much and wishing that I hadn’t bought anything so I would have that feeling that I could buy anything I wanted but not actually buy anything. Haha woah run-on sentence.

Also, check out my MRP Poster. This is what I have been working on all day and for the past couple of days. What do you think? I will be presenting it tomorrow at an MRP Poster Session. Wish me luck…or don’t, I will still fry (hopefully…). See you guys tomorrow! Enjoy that feeling of ALMOST THE WEEKEND! (Yeah..that’s right, I caps-locked after I said I was done…DEAL WITH IT!) 😛

Also…please excuse my pictures, not the most panoramic. I’m not one to take multiple photos in order to find the best. Just deal with what I give you okay? I ain’t perfect haha 🙂

HUMP DAY AND BIRTHDAY!!!

Hey guys! So today is probably the most important day of the year…aka MY BIRTHDAY! Ha, yeah. It’s official. I’m old According to Buzzfeed I am at the age where I am officially an adult and should have my shit together…yeah, I don’t. It’s also the year where I am the low end of the totem pole for adulthood, thus people still treat me like a child. Ha! It’s like freshman year of high school all over again! I guess you never do really get away from it! It’s okay though, because I like where I’m at and for the first time in a long time, I am actually at a good place both mentally and physically. Even though today was totally low-key and I pretty much did nothing out of the ordinary, it was one of the best birthdays in about 3 years. Sad, but true. I’m just at a much better place than I was over the past couple. I realize I’m being all cryptic and eventually I will update the About Me section and tell you about my past, but I am so lazy and I just haven’t gotten to it.

Look what my MAT Cohort got me! They know me so well! A Gingerbread Larabar, German cookies, and a plethora of veggies!!!!! Pretty much sums me up! I love them!! In case you are wondering, yes all of the German cookies are gone. They were so delicious! My friends mom is visiting from Germany and brought them over. There was some type of gingersnap, some sort of snickerdoodle dough cookie, and a delicious chocolate cookie with some sort of jam in the middle! All were delicious and all were devoured within seconds!! Yeah, I can’t really tell you the names or describe them, but OMG. I need the RECIPES!!!

Whelp. I think I’ll end my birthday with a delicious bowl of Chinese food! Can you say KUNG PAO CHICKEN!!! My favorite 🙂 HAPPY HUMP DAY ERRBODY!!